An imaginary farcical bike trip

On a particularly hot and long ride, Jen and I amused ourselves by coming up with a list of things that would make a slap-stick Yucatan bicycle trip from hell. 

It began because we crossed over a particularly long stretch of toppes. Toppes are speed bumps, and here they are fierce. They are in all towns, and probably the only way to insure that drivers will actually slow down when passing through downtown. Toppes come as steep logs of asphalt across the road, as off-set lines of raised circles, or as big raised up-and-over ramps (of sorts). 

On bicycles, we have to wrench down on our brakes, slow to an almost Falling Over Speed, and carefully ply over. Bags jiggle, hardware clanks, tires bang in the landing. Toppes are wicked when you're gazing at some enticing brightly colored house and weren't watching where you were headed. Bam! 

Anyway. So we're bopping up and over, up and over, up and over, and I go, "hey Jen! Imagine if every stretch of road had this many toppes on it." 

And thus we began the list of things that would make a Farcical Yucatan Bicycle Trip From Hell. 

1. The roads have toppes every ten feet 

2. Restaurants serve only bad white toast and sauces that are too hot

3. The hotel rooms contain 100 mosquitos

4. Everyone you talk to is drunk 

5. The heat of the day begins at 6am 

6. Your _entire_ body is covered in heat rash

7. The cenotes are full of Russian tourists

8. The tiendas sell nothing but Coca-Cola

9. You get two flat tires everyday

10. The dogs bark the entire night

11. Your hand-washed clothes never dry 

12. The roosters start crowing at 2am
13. You have to poop 17 times a day
14. Every single street dog chases you
15. You're too big to fit in the public bathroom stalls (actually, more often then not, when I stand in a stall I am giraffing a full head and neck above the stall wall) 

Thankfully, however, the cars give us generous space complete with encouraging waves and yip-yip honks, and unless we're in the tiniest podunk towns the food has been good.

In fact, we've been here two weeks to the day, and it's been an amazing trip. Beaches, ruins, salsa picante, colonial cities, cenotes, friendly people, Carnival. 

And as of today, we've ridden over 500 miles.